Goodbye is Not the End

My last blog in Africa… I’ve been avoiding writing this because of the finality that is represents, but the time has come.  How it came so soon, I’ve yet to find out.  Just yesterday we arrived, just yesterday we were moving to Kenya, and now my bags are packed.  It is, in a word, surreal.   My emotions are all jumbled, one moment up, one moment down.  The thought of going home is both wonderful and terrifying at the same time, something I’ve been struggling through for a while now.  I can’t wait to see my family and friends, to attend church and NOT be expected to preach, to be fully healthy (currently undergoing round 2 of Malaria… 9 out of 11 of us have it… We’ll get you next time, mosquitoes!!)  Yet during these past three weeks in Uganda, the reality of going home has hit me.  I’m leaving Africa, a place that has captured my heart, despite the struggles, sickness, and hardships.  Yet that isn’t the only thing I have been struggling with.  The big question in my life has been hovering over me:  What next?

To be honest, I have been silently, internally freaking out over this question these last few weeks.  I was scared of what the future held, of the unknown, scared that I didn’t accomplish what God wanted me to in Africa, just plain scared.  Never in my life have a come to a point where I didn’t know what was next.  God has always given me a bit of a heads up, some time of preparation, yet He doesn’t always do things the same way, does He?  So after following God to Africa, after all this time, I am staring into the unknown, and it looks dark and foreboding.  If I were to be honest, I’ve considered missing my flight once or twice so that I wouldn’t have to face that frightening unknown.  At least here in Tororo, I know what is next.  I know what my days hold, that I will work in the clinic, go to Smile Africa, and have devotions each morning with the hospital staff. There is a small sense of stability here.  At home, I have no idea what is next and that really scared me.  During a time of solitude and silence on Monday, I was finally honest with God about these fears, and He reminded of a few things.

One year ago I was looking into the unknown of missionary life in Africa.  I had these grand images and expectations of what my future would look like, of life in Africa.  I was going to be Kathleen, Super Missionary.  I could picture myself feeding every starving child, alleviating poverty, clothing orphans, caring for widows.  I was going to change the world.  That, however, wasn’t God’s plan.  He didn’t bring me to Africa to change the world, He brought me to Africa to change my world.  He wanted to teach me to trust without seeing, to recognize his voice, to follow the Spirit.  He has been disciplining me, teaching me obedience, refining me.  It has been hard, a constant tug-o-war between my flesh and God, but God is patient and has been with me through it all.  Yet one of the most difficult things for me to accept has been letting go of my expectations of what our time would look like.  I expected to stay in one place, to work with one group of people, to plant seeds and to see the fruits of all my labor.  Yet again, God’s plan and purpose was different than mine.  We have moved twice, and though we have been able to work with so many people and many seeds have been planted, God didn’t allow us to see the fruits of our labor.  We planted, then had to leave it up to Him to water the seed and for it to grow.  That is really difficult for me.  I like to see the end result, to know that I didn’t labor in vain.  But God moved us, forced us to trust our work to Him, to let go of the reins and hand them over to Him.  Perhaps I’ll never see the fruit of our labors, I’ll never know what happened to the people that I poured into, and I have to be okay with that.  I have to trust that God will provide for them, just as he has provided for me every step of the way.  And I have to trust that He will continue to provide, even as I step into this dark, frightening unknown.

As I sat with God and sorted these things out, He spoke a calling into me.  “Read Ruth,” he said.  So I read the book of Ruth and as I did, God gave me revelations of my life and my future.  “Beloved, you are Ruth.  You are my daughter who I love, but in order to follow me, to be with me, you must step into the unknown.  I know it looks scary, I know it is foreign, but trust me, I have great plans for you.  You can take the easy road, or you can follow my road.  Look at Ruth, daughter, look at what I had planned for her.  She is in the genealogy of Christ simply because she trusted and followed, simply because she knew that life apart from me wasn’t life at all, it was death.  Follow me, trust me, die to yourself because life in me is so much sweeter and more abundant than anything else.  Come.”  I sat in awe of His word, no longer afraid of the future, of the unknown, but ready, willing to take a leap of faith, to follow Him.  I know He has great plans for me, plans that I can’t even begin to imagine.  So as I pack to leave, my heart hurts, but it is also filled with excitement.  This isn’t the end of the adventure, it is really only the beginning.

My season of Africa has come to an end, at least this season has.   I truly believe that God will bring me back, that His work with me in Africa isn’t done yet, but for the moment it is.  I want to thank each of you who have prayed for me, who have encouraged me, who have shared in this journey with me, and who have supported me.  This time in Africa wouldn’t have been at all possible without you.  You have blessed me and I pray that this blog has blessed you in return.  While it hasn’t even come close to adequately covering my time here, my growth and journey, I hope it has at least given you a glimpse.  I greatly look forward to sharing more of my story with you in person.   Check into the blog from time to time as I hope to post a few more post-Africa thoughts and pictures.

So this is it.  We leave Tororo tomorrow for Jinja, spend an evening at Adrift, and head to Entebbe on Monday the 10th to board our plan.  We have a layover again in Dubai (buffet, hot shower, warm bed…seems like a dream), then we land in Houston on the 11th for debrief.  On the 15th I say goodbye to my teammates, something I can’t really even think about doing yet, it just hurts too much, then I head to Dallas.  From then… well that is the unknown.  If you are in the unknown with me, I look forward to seeing you there and beginning that new journey with you.  I love each of you deeply.  Until America… farewell.